--- /dev/null
+Mastery and Authenticity
+########################
+
+:date: 2019-04-18
+:tags: thoughts, work, craft
+:slug: mastery-and-authenticity
+
+When I was around middle-school age, I wanted to be a skateboarder. Thrasher
+magazine was all the rage and some of the coolest people I knew at school rode
+skateboards and wore just the best graphic tshirts and these amazing shoes that
+I never could convince my parents to buy for me. I was obsessed with the art and
+the music that surrounded skating. I could draw well enough, so I would cover my
+notebooks with sketches of company logos and board designs. I don't remember
+ever having the magazines, but I'd borrow them from friends and I'd try to find
+out everything I could about pro skaters.
+
+Thing is, I never really learned to skate. My parents were supportive, but there
+was no way I was going to get a Santa Cruz or Powell Peralta - my preferred
+brands would change weekly - so I made due with a Valterra from the local
+department store and a pair of knock-off Chuck Taylors. I could ride my board,
+but I never really learned tricks and I didn't get *near* a ramp until many
+years later. As much as I loved the sport, it didn't love me back, and the kids
+I wanted to much to be like tagged me with the most horrific of labels:
+**Poseur**.
+
+There's a Problem
+-----------------
+
+I have often said that I suffer from a terminal case of Impostor Syndrome. If,
+for some reason you have not heard of this afflicion, (and consider yourself
+blessed if you haven't) it is a potentially debilitating crisis of confidence
+that is all too common among knowledge workers. As an engineer, I have been
+familiar with this disease for quite a long time. It is spoken of at nearly
+every developer and hacker conference I attend, and it is becoming a common
+topic of conversation in similar circles. My wife, a Registered Nurse -
+certainly among the knowledge worker professions - was less familiar with the
+term but all too aware of its implications as she, too, has suffered.
+
+At its heart, Impostor Syndrome is a nagging sense of self-doubt. As I have
+observed, in myself as well as in others, this is often in spite of overwhelming
+evidence to the contrary. Objectively I know that I have had a long and
+successful career. I have a decent reputation and the respect of my peers. But
+there is part of me that is never really convinced. I mean, I've never published
+any books or gone on any speaking tours. I don't work for any of the top tech
+companies, and my name is not reknowned for originating any algorithm or open
+source masterpiece. None of these things is required to be a good, even
+excellent engineer, but it is so easy to tear one's self down over it. It's like
+somewhere in the back of my head is still some shitty thirteen-year-old skater
+kid calling me a poseur.
+
+There is something, though, that I feel I and many of the other Impostor
+Syndrome sufferers I've encountered have in common, and that is integrity. This
+is one trait in which I have confidence and it is in this that I find the silver
+lining in what is otherwise a pretty dark cloud.
+
+Let's Look at it Another Way
+----------------------------
+
+Here is where I humble-brag this flaw into a virtue.
+
+Suburban childhood trauma aside, I believe Impostor Syndrome stems from a
+longing for two noble traits: **Mastery** and **Authenticity**. As engineers we
+are driven by curiousity and the thrill that comes from having overcome a
+challenge. What we do is difficult and our skills are hard won. Each
+accomplishment paves the way to the next, and in a field that is forever growing
+and changing, the road stretches long in front of us. This is a quest for
+**Mastery**, and it is good.
+
+But it's not enough to simply learn a new language or a new tool, we want to use
+it well and too its full effect. How deeply we understand *vi* or *bash* matters
+to us. We seek genuine, deep and meaningful knowledge and we are willing to work
+day and night to achieve it. This is the desire for **Authenticity**, and it,
+too, is good.
+
+Mastery and Authenticity, like any virtues, are easier to see in others than in
+ourselves. I'm constantly reading blog posts and tweets, and watching YouTube
+videos of my fellow engineers who have built amazing things. It seems like they
+are all friends having the best time and *it drives me crazy!* Thing is, these
+same folks are themselves suffering from the same self doubt. More and more
+people in our field are sharing their own experiences, whether writing articles
+or preparing to speak at meetups and conferences, and we learn that we're all
+struggling through it, even the glamourous ones.
+
+Because we want it to be good.
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